Originally posted on November 29, 2020

In Part 1, I talked about how easily we can get caught in a Victim/Blame cycle with our significant others, our partner, children, parents or co-workers.

In this segment I share ONE practice that can stop a break-up from happening if you keep this top of mind when you feel reactive.

Here’s how I learned this magic key…

I do volunteer work at my religious organization. There is a particular person’s personality I find challenging to be around. This person mutters and mumbles, stands too close for my comfort when she wants to ask me something, gives me way more details about the project we’re working on than I find helpful and screams at me if she feels I’m not listening.

Her patterns of behavior are a great stretch for me in every way. I get to practice holding boundaries, being clear about the physical space I need in order to work with her, provide repercussions when she raises her voice (I’ll continue this conversation with you another time when we can do it calmly).

Internally, I struggled greatly with the part of me that wanted to get irritated and yell back, or the part that worked hard to simply avoid all interactions with her.

Finally, I stopped to look at what the IMPACT my behavior might be having on her. When I did that, I realized a few of the needs she had. She just wanted connection. She wanted my full attention. When I gave her that along with a gentle and kind explanation of my need for boundaries, she calmed down quickly. I had to let go of MY EGO to do that. Uggg. Much of me didn’t want to do that. It was a struggle but one that has paid off for both of us.

​Focus on the IMPACT that the situation, words or energy exchange is having on the OTHER person, rather than yourself.

It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to have the last word in an argument. If you practice not having the last word, and focusing on the IMPACT on the OTHER, I suspect you might find more harmony during this holiday season.

With love, 

Laura